i don't know what i am doing.

sighs.
and why do i feel the way i do?

when you try your best but
you don't succeed
when you get what you want but
not what you need
when you feel so tired but
you can't sleep
stuck in reverse.

feels like im always stuck where i am
and i cannot move on.
or is my mind playing tricks on me?

the heart is deceitful above all else,
who can understand it?

you know,
i really try,
study so hard. do my best.
but i feel like i just cannot do it.
and no one sees. or understands.
really.
seems like i am strong.
i am able to do it.
seem able to understand,
but
oh.

where do i fall from grace?

you reach out to me,
and pull me out of my self-pity
and darkness.
and you tell me i can be something more,
somebody more.

in You
and only in You.

i really hope i can.

sometimes,
i'm so tired.

she sat in her seat,
squirming,
and staring at the questions trying to make sense out of them.
seems like history repeats itself,
and makes mockery of her.
they call out,
and taunt.
but she was so tired.
felt like she couldn't think.
and sighed deep inwardly.
"try your best right?"
and so attempts the questions again,
circling,
erasing,
shading.
hoping and wishing she could escape out of the door,
disappear.
unable to take it,
she pushed her chair and got ut of her seat.
"the toilet. let there be relief."
and walked briskly to the entrance.
it was such a relief to be out of the hall for awhile.
the teacher went to relief herself as well.
she was washing her hands when the teacher came out,
"why? cold ah?" and smiled.
she shook her head,
"nahh, tired."
returned the smile,
and hurried back to face her enemy in the hall.






minutes ticked by.
many thoughts ran through her head.
"how can i be so tired,
and still be able to think so much?"
she snapped out of her reverie and stared at the questions.
afew more erasings,
and shadings.
more circling.


and it was over.

-Her Secret Life-



sometimes, i don't know what's the reason why i'm doing what i'm doing.
the grass is greener on the other side.

but you know what?

i really.
want to.
getawayfromallthese.

took a walk with ah huey.
from clarke quay to dhoby.
what a wonderful nice walk.
(:
thank u loads my dear friend!
someday,
i shall walk down with you, my love.
and we shall enjoy the quiet,
and things and people around us.
just you and me.

i want to busk, busk, busk.
sing sing sing!
but that day has not yet come right.
poois.

and i shall spend time with you now.
please come and meet me.
oh,
you are already here,
and waiting.(:
love you.

Labels: again i begin the healing bow.

1:14 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i fear.
i have come to a point of not feeling,
not knowing what tired is.

is that a good thing or a bad thing?

seems like you take one step forward,
and three steps back.

seems like its so hard to put together your thoughts,
and i watch you.
fall
fall
fall.
seems like its so hard to be the person who is there all the time.

and my mind shall utter her ramblings.
of the past days,
that seemed like eternity ago,
but no, they were just of a few days old.
i can hardly keep track of time.

i studied.
interpersonal distancing
seems like im exploring that option myself.
when all else seem to fail,
and no one really knows or bothers with what you are going thru.
is it just a facade?
can it be so easily taken away?

i ask myself.

what stops,
what hinders.

your eyes are screaming to be heard
i wanna learn you inside out

if only you bothered to ask,
or care.
but when you do,
i hold back.
who are you, the you?
i do not know.
i cannot fathom,
for nowadays i question.
who do i count as my closest.
and i cannot answer,
but only You my Lord.
you see each tear that fall.
and you comfort me.
lead me back to sanity.

Jesus is my best friend.

i cannot deny that.

i lay in my bed last night,
exhausted.
emotionally, mentally.
and i dreamt a nightmare i dreamt before.
i recall i couldn't move as fast as i wanted to,
to get away from that horrid-looking monster.
yes, it was a monster.
and i finally told myself.
stop. this is absurd.
i knew exactly what would happen next,
and i did not want the nightmare to continue.
i commanded silently in my mind.

"in Jesus' name, get away!"

the initial struggle, battle.
to not let fear win the fight.
and i woke.
barely opening my eyes,
afraid i would drift off into the dream again.
i wanted to tell you i was afraid.
wanted to ask you if you could sing,
and sing me to sleep.
chase away my fears.
but no,
i know i cannot.
absence cannot correlate to love.
and not when you have your own battles to fight as well.

i consider myself a selfish, wretched being.

and i count all things as loss.
compared to knowing Christ.

i worship at Your throne
whisper my own love song
with all my heart i'll sing
for You my Dad and King

i'll live for al my days
to put a smile on Your face
and when we finally meet
it'll be for eternity

and oh
how wide You open up Your arms
even when i fall
how far You would come
if ever i was lost
You said that all You feel for me
is undying love
that You showed me through the cross

i worship You my God
i worship You my God
i love You
i love You
forever i will sing
forever i will be with You
i'll be with You

no. i give up myself,
and die at the cross.
to give up my life for those around.
to love like you did.

and so i pray.
i fast.

give me strength.

fall back in everlasting arms

and so,
when nightmares come,
i will run to You.
and You will hold me.
safe to sleep.


the exams drive me crazy.
but you will keep me sane.
and thereafter my clinicals.


people fail.
but You never do.
seems like a time and not.
they treat you with disregard.
despite the much effort.
tryings, care and concern.
just ignored, or left alone.
something that blows with the wind.
will there be one?
who will pursue,
and pursue.
battle,
and win this heart?

i know You have.
and so i give my heart to You.
keep it.
its broken,
but i know you still lovingly hold it in your scarred hands,
and kiss it with your tears.
forgive me for the many times
i stole the key,
and ran off with it.
seems like i'll never learn my lesson,
will i?

i watch as lovers pass me by.
walking stories-whos and hows and whys
musing lazily on love
pondering you.

there is nothing like
there is nothing like
Your love

and i love You
more than life

let go of everything i've done
i'll run into Your open arms.

seems like these days,
i have to stop relying on my own strength.
and trust you more.
love you more.
know you more.

to seek you,
with all my heart,
and soul,
and mind (even with all the physio in my head).

i will.
love you.
and love others.

loving you.

kiss me goodnight*

Labels: show me how to live this.

2:05 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

-safe in a crazy world
corinne may

Labels: bleed and stop.

2:46 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

back at square one,
aren't i?

C plus.

sighs.


i stood,
feeling so helpless,
so useless.
watching as he sat in the wheelchair.
he turned to me and asked,
"they didn't teach you in school?
or you forgot?"

i stood there,
shaking my head.
unable to make a decision,
afraid of what i might do.

the feelings of being so helpless
overwhelm.
made me feel so .
demanciated.


what on earth are you doing?

and i sit here again,
thinkin of countless thoughts.

of what happened over the weekend.
its over.

sighs.

and im left to my own thoughts once again.
so full of them.
they are like dark clouds that threaten to fall at any moment.
but then,

You are stronger,
you make me.

Your grace is enough for me.
to carry me through this storm,
this sucky thing that i am in.

you simply love me,
don't you?

even when the world doesn't.
or jus ignores the fact that you simply exist sometimes.

it gets harder.

i don't know what im fallin into,
or what i have alr fallen into.
but do,
come and save me.

speak to me,
tell me.

ughhgg.h

and it doesn't help really.

but i remb,
that evening.
when i smiled to myself,
as i thought of how romantic it was.
we ran,
and i looked at your creation,
and marvelled at the depth of your love.
that surpasses all.
i stopped.
walked among the tall grass,
and stood.
oh did you hear me sing sweet songs to you?
my love song.
and i thought,
of what would be,
when i could walk,
and just hold your hand.
and enjoy the cool evening and night with you by my side.

thank you for loving me.

pursuit.

you pursue me.
come,
pursue me further.
because i feel myself slipping away.
wanting to be by myself.

and oh.
that you would use a sinner like me.
with all the mistakes made during worship.
sighs.
never felt more demoralised.
and with all the thoughts and goings in my head.

ahhh.
i need to study.
i need to study.
i need to study.

the dreaded exams.

say hello to paper and more papers.

help me.

Labels: you make me stronger.

11:53 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

Labels: i surrender all.

12:23 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i guess the more you hold onto something,
the more it will slip through your fingers.

the irony of mankind.
it repulses.
revolts.


what wretched beings.
and again,
i find myself where i was just not too long ago.

and tell me,
what do i do?


but now,
my mind has to settle pharmacology bright and early tmr.

-a big wide smile-

sense the sarcasm.

why am i such an irritable prick nowadays?
and all kinds of nonsense fills my mind.

oh please!
rid me of myself.
and purge me,
cleanse me from within,
deep within.
renew my mind again.
fill me anew,
refresh me with your love.

Your unfailing love that knows no bound,
no end,
no height or depth.
nothing.

thank you dear adora for the mint choc biscuits!
made my night(:

i thank you Lord.
for being here, always.
and loving me just as i am.

Labels: somewhere in between.

8:15 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

like a used, crumpled piece of paper bag.

1:55 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

very.
tired.

at my wits end.
don't know what to do,
or say,
or think.

with all these issues and matters clogging up my mind.
i can't think.
can't sleep.

seems like a futile attempt.

what buried issues are there.
unresolved problems.
what lies deep within?

i know not.
but search me.
and tell me what i should do.

the breathless awakenings,
running on the track in the dark.
sitting in my bed with my head in my hands.

tell me.

yet i can sing.
and rejoice.
and dance.
and smile.

because You live.
You conquered the grave.
You reign and You rule.


and all these unanswered questions inside,
the resisting,
refusal to succumb to the tears that threaten to fall.
pushing and edging away them who loom in my mind.

i fight.

and i am in disbelief.
at what i think.
what others would actually say,
or think.
isn't there acceptance?
love?

or am i just playing the role of the skeptic,
the think-too-much.
the loner.

so i fight on.

it presses on.
it comes.
rushes by.

start to breathe and fake a smile
it's all the same after awhile
i know
that you are tired


come back down.
come back down.
come back
down.

Labels: caught in empty space.

11:09 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

'See my feet on the ground
But it feels like the worlds gravity drowned
When I'm with you I'm high

Instead of hiding my face
My minds in your eyes
Can your love embrace
Me as I am'

she pens them down in her diary.
sighs, and looks across at the room full of people.
it seemed empty to her;
the noise,
the laughter and aimless chatter,
flew across her.
she was fixated on something else.


'In the silence you stare at the world
Your eyes are screaming to be heard
I want to learn you inside out

isn't there someone willing to?
learn me inside out?'

she pleaded.
and closed her eyes tightly.


'Time isn't on our side
All we have now
For the rest of our lives
Let's stay up all night'

the writing continued back home.

she turned. tossed, in her bed.
and sat at her table,
unable to think of anything.
she stared blankly at the numerous drawings and writings on her studyboard.
trying to make sense of the words that formed in front of her,
and drifts off in her thoughts.

"back at the place where we once walked,
and talked,
and laughed.
see the tears we once shed,
they have dried and left a stain in my heart.
would you take me again,
away with you?
take my hand and lead me.
there's no other hand i would rather hold,
i will cling on tightly,
and not let go.
and if i do,
please.
don't let me go.
but keep me close to you.

hold me in your arms,
let me feel your embrace;
the strength of your arms,
and the warmth of you near me.
let me feel your heartbeat against my cheek,
and your breath on my hair.
your smell,
as i soak in your presence.

and the assurance of your love
for me."

'In the silence you stare at the world
Your eyes are screaming to be heard
I want to learn you inside out'

:you say to me.


'All that changes is time
Can't keep you inside of me
You're out of my mind
I wear you on my sleeve
In the silence you stare at the world
your eyes are screaming to be heard
I want to learn you inside out'

i wake up again.
to know you've never left me.
but i can't see you,
or feel you near.
but near-ness isn't a form of measurement right?
see your letters written to me on the table,
the cards, memories.
and i grimace deep inside me.


'I see all that you want to be
Look into your soul
Looking right back at me
I want to learn you inside out'

let me hear you say that to me.
please,
i want to hear.
and i'll listen.
and fall in love with you again.


-"Story of her life."

the intensity of a game.
ponderings of me.
musings of one who is quite perplexed at why and how things are.
how people work.
and think.

who are we,
that you are mindful of us?
sighs.

i refuse to be overwhelmed.
c'mon.
try me.

the aches in my legs come as a relief from everything else.
but hah.
they prove my unfit-ness.
and i can't walk properly.

awaken me.
to more of You.
and less of me.

please.

i cannot go thru these alone.

my heart can only take so much.
and you are

my

comforter
listener
best friend
shepherd
life
strength
wisdom
love
freedom
hope
king
saviour
redeemer
healer
faithful friend
LORD


the broken clock still ticks.
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace.

Labels: pick me up when i fall.

1:19 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

The day is dimming and I'm yearning for you
I won't be satisfied till I see your face
Every victory, every loss
Every ticket, every cross
You can put them all in place


yes, You put them all in place.
even on days that i feel like i could just collapse to the ground and die,
You hold everything together.


It seems I'm finding more of why
In these moments
I feel like I'm made to sing of how good you are
The more the years swell by and pass
Each seconds more than last
It's true by far


yes. every moment,
i'm made to sing of how good you are.
in my tears,
in my laughter,
in my weeping,
in my anguish,
in my sorrow,
in my triumph.

til i age,
and grow white hairs and have more pimples.
as i watch the days speed by,
pass me by with such intensity.
and with a blur.
im slowly losing track of time.


That no profound thought or clever rhyme
No soaring grand, melodic line
No theory, philosophy or sign
Can explain it


with all my knowledge,
what lack of it!
in my foolishness.
in my utter disability to comprehend your matchless worth
and grace and love.
Your incomparable love,
amazing grace tt the frail human mind cannot comprehend.


Where you are, I wanna be
It's your love that has changed me
I'd give the world, and all it's charms
For a moment in your arms
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere


to be with You.
always,
forever.
selamanya
for a moment in your arms,
the arms that hold me when i fall.
the arms that embrace me when no one does.
the arms that hold me close.
and fingers that wipe every tear away.


I still remember what it felt like before you
I'm grateful every day for how things have changed
I'll thank you every way I can
'Cos my life only began
When I heard you call my name


you tell me,
tears are not a weakness.
they are nt smth to be looked upon with disdain.
you call me gently,
and lovingly.


Now, no praise of man
No great acclaim
No humble looking kind of fane
No power, wealth or worldly gain
Could satisfy me


nothing can satisfy me.
only YOU.

cause
Where you are, I wanna be
It's your grace that has raised me
I'd give my whole life to honour you
And whom I live
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Lead me, lead me
Lead me to yourself
Lead me to your heart

draw me closer to you.
to your heart.
put in me a desire,
a passion,
to read so much more of Your word.
to believe what You say,
and not the world.


Where you are, I wanna be
It's your love that has changed me
I'd give my life to honour you
And whom I live
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere


thank you for placing people in my life
who encourage me,
make me smile,
brighten my day.
and for those who make me stronger.

You are stronger.

and its amazing how you remind me,
of your amazing love through jazreel.
she listens to christian songs!
and i was so amazed and touched.
when i was just feelin so terrible and she plugged the earphone in my ear.
and it turned my eyes to You again.

thank you for listening to our prayers.
for making life more bearable.
for loving me for who i am.
and giving me health and everything i need in life.
thank You Jesus(:



Lead me to yourself
Lead me to your heart
I'll be found in you
Here is peace
Here is joy
Here is light
Here is freedom

Labels: i sleep with a smile on my face.

12:38 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-